Crying In The Darkness
by Trek1030
Summary: Asuka's teasing gets to be a bit too much for Shinji to handle
1. Default Chapter

  
A work of Neon Genesis Evangelion Fanfiction  
  
" Crying in the Dark " Part 1 by Trent Retrix (NeoDethMunky@hotmail.com)  
  
"All my pain can go away" Shinji thought to himself. "I keep saying that I mustn't run away, but why? I want the pain to go away" He could feel the cool, freeing steel of the knife blade against his wrist.   
  
"I want the pain to go away," said Shinji, almost crying to himself, "but why won't I move the blade? Why won't I cause the cut?" He dropped the knife to the floor of his room as he brought his hands up to his face. The tears flowed from his eyes and into his hand, as he put his head back down on his pillow. He did not remove his hands when the tears stopped; he did not want to look at the ceiling, for he found it depressing to see the emptiness of the white ceiling, almost laughing at him, because it reminded him of the emptiness of his own life.   
  
"Baka-Shinji, where the hell's dinner!? Its your turn tonight, or have you forgotten?" shreiked Asuka as she walked out of her room and into the kitchen. "How can such an idiot like you have a higher sych ratio than me? Dammit Shinji, where are you?!"   
  
Shinji stepped out of his room with his head down, not saying a word. He went into the kitchen and began preparing something.   
  
"That's better" remarks Asuka. "How stupid do you have to be to forget dinner?"  
  
Shinji still looked down, silent, making dinner.  
  
"Hey, baka?" said Asuka, beginning to be puzzled by Shinji. "Baka? Baka!!"   
  
Shinji still didn't look up at Asuka as he put the food into the microwave. He set it, and then broke the silence.  
  
"It will be done in five minutes. I won't be eating tonight."  
  
Still looking down, Shinji returned to his room, locking the door behind him as he fell onto his bed and began sobbing again. Sobbing quietly, so that no one could hear him. Then he began listening to his SDAT tapes, in a feeble attempt to drown out the pains of his cruel reality.  
  
Asuka stared in disbelief as Shinji walked away to his room. This was too submissive, even for him. She began thoughts of what could be wrong, but the next second, those thoughts left her mind.   
  
"Serves him right," she said aloud, almost gleefully. "Maybe that idiot will finally stay away from me!"   
  
As Asuka sat down to dinner, Misato burst through the door and went straight for the beer. Noticing Asuka eating alone, Misato thought nothing of it. Perhaps Shinji finally came to his senses and decided to stay away from some one as bitchy as Asuka.   
  
"Asuka," she asked as she sat down at the table to eat, "is Shinji asleep already? No matter, don't wake him. I just needed to tell you two that you both have the next week and a half off. No training, no experiments, nothing."  
  
"Really?!", yelped Asuka with bright, happy eyes, obviously joyed by this news. She began thinking up plans and fun things to do with her friends.  
  
When the two were done, Misato and Asuka both went to their respective rooms. In an hour, the two pilots in the house and their gaurdian were asleep.  
  
**********  
  
In the morning, Shinji noticed that Asuka was acting very strangely toward him.   
  
"Asuka, is something wrong? Did I do something to upset you? I'm sorry for whatever it is."  
  
"Why the hell do you keep trying to talk to me? Shinji, just stay the hell away from me!" And with that, Asuka threw her plate at him and ran to her room, not even looking at him.  
  
Shinji kept staring at Asuka's door from thr kitchen. She's said that to him before, but never did anything more than just yell at him. Still baffled, Shinji sank to the floor and sat next to Pen-pen who was busy eating his breakfast and didn't notice Shinji.   
  
A very sad feeling overcame Shinji at that moment. He started to remember everything Asuka said to him. Started to remember the angry tone of her voice. Started to remember how much she hated him. The Third Children began to to feel the tears slowly form in the corner of his eyes and gently fall down his cheek and onto his shirt.  
  
**********  
  
At school, Shinji didn't start to feel better. During lunch, Shinji was with Kensuke and Toji as usual, but he wasn't paying attention to them. He just stared off, not really looking at anything, not really caring. He had his friends there, but he felt so alone. How he longed for the day when he could end his feelings, the day when he would finally be able to move the knife.  
  
"Hey Shinji, why do you keep staring at the red-haired demon?" asked Toji.  
  
"What?" said a startled Shinji as he seemed to wake up from his own hate and sadness filled world within his head. He noticed that he was indeed looking at Asuka.   
  
"I was not. I was just uh... dazing off. I'm sorta tired, I didn't sleep well last night," retorted Shinji.  
  
Toji and Kensuke started whispering into each others ear and then they both laughed histerically.   
  
"What's so funny, guys?" Demanded Shinji.  
  
"We were just coming up with reasons for why you couldn't sleep well" Kensuke said.  
  
"I don't like the direction this is going" thought Shinji to himself.  
  
"You probably using a peep-hole into Asuka's room" said Kensuke. By now, the whole class was paying attention to them, for mention of the words "Asuka" "peep-hole" and "room" so very loudly.  
  
"Then you probably lubed up your hand, then ...." By this time they were both laughing so hysterically, they both fell over from laughter before Toji could finish the sentence. Shinji blushed, but then looked up and saw that the whole class was starting to giggle and stare at him, including Asuka and Rei, both of whom were just staring in disgust at what Toji and Kensuke had just said.  
  
The isolation. The loneliness. It was all returning to him suddenly. Shinji got up and ran out of the classroom, as his eyes were beginning to water again. Outside, Shinji sat on a bench, with his face in his hands. He was alone again. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the container of his pills, still half-filled.   
  
"What's it matter anymore?" Shinji said aloud to himself as he threw his pills into the trashcan next to the bench.   
  
"So you're a drug addict? That would explain a lot," said an almost angelic, soothing voice from behind him. Shinji turned to see Asuka walking toward him, with Hikari next to her. It was Asuka who had been talking to him.  
"They're not drugs," responded Shinji, in a sullen, sad voice. "NERV gave me those pills. They're supposed to keep me from mental breakdown or something. Without those pills.... Without those... I don't know what'll happen and I don't care anymore."   
  
Shinji began to sob again. He looked down at the floor letting the tears flow from his eyes and fall to the ground.  
  
"How pathetic. He can kill Angels and save the planet but here he is crying like a baby," Asuka snobbishly said as she crossed her arms and turned away from Shinji.  
  
"Asuka! He can hear you!" Hikari gasped, staring back and forth between the two pilots.  
  
"I don't care. He's such a jerk. I love seeing him in pain"   
  
"Asuka," Shinji cried with tears still in his eyes, and his voice cracking, "Why are you so cruel to me?"   
  
"Let's go, Hikari" Asuka said, unresponsive to Shinji.  
  
"Why, Asuka?" the tearing Shinji said, almost shouting at the two girls walking away from him.   
  
*********  
  
At home, Asuka didn't see Shinji. There were meals already ready on the table. Next to one of the plates was a note; it read: From Shinji to Asuka. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.  
  
"What the hell's wrong with that wimpy idiot?" Asuka said as she sat down to eat, after crumpling up the note and throwing it away.  
  
While she was eating, Asuka could hear something from Shinji's room. It sounded like some one crying, followed by the sound of metal hitting the floor. But there was no following silence, the crying continued.   
  
**********  
  
During the night, Misato woke from a sound. She heard it coming from Shinji's room. She didn't want to disturb him, so Misato sat down on the floor in the hallway, just outside Shinji's door. It saddened her so to see Shinji this way and not be able to do something about it. She could hear the crying coming from Shinji. She almost cried herself, hearing Shinji babbling to himself, obviously about what is wrong.   
  
"Why?"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Why do you treat me this way?"  
  
"Why do you do this?"  
  
"Why can't we be together?"  
  
"Asuka ....."  
  
Then there was more weeping, from the boy within the room and the woman outside the door who could feel the boy's pain.  
  
*********  
  
Asuka woke to the sound of Ritsuko talking to Misato in the hallway.   
  
"What the hell's Ritsuko doing here?" Thought Asuka to herself as she climbed out of bed to listen to the conversation outside her door. The conversation ended with Asuka not really hearing anything of importance. Asuka stepped outside to see Ritsuko and a medical team leaving the apartment carrying a stretcher carrying someone she couldn't see.   
  
"Misato, what happened here?" asked Asuka. After looking around a couple seconds, she also asked "Where's Shinji?"  
  
"You wouldn't care, Asuka" Misato almost yelled at the clueless Second Children. Misato sat down at the table and began crying.  
  
"What did Baka-Shinji do this time?"  
  
Misato looked at Asuka and her face changed to that of anger. She reached up and slapped Asuka accross the face, leaving a stinging red mark.  
  
"This is all your fault, Asuka"  
  
"What the hell area you talking about? Where is Shinji, that idiot?"  
  
"He was the guy on the stretcher. You must've seen him"  
  
Asuka was speechless. So Misato continued.  
  
"I woke up this morning and Shinji wasn't getting breakfast ready. I looked in his room and there he was, lying on the floor next to a bloody knife and a long, deep cut in his wrist."  
  
"How's that my fault?! That Baka... getting me in trouble by hurting himself."  
  
"Shut up Asuka!" Misato screamed, "I called Ritsuko, and got a medical team over here. Shinji lost a lot of blood, but he'll live. He'll be out of the hospital in about a week." Misato looked over at Asuka, "Why are you still angry? Shinji's almost dead, isn't that something you'd like?"  
  
"Misato, why do you blame me? I didn't cut his wrists, that baka did it to himself. I couldn't care less about that baka."  
  
Misato slapped her again.   
  
"You don't even know why he did it. You drove him to it. Is there any time in the past two weeks that you did not say you hated him? Do you even notice him crying? Have you ever heard what he says in his sleep?"  
  
"NO! No I haven't. And I don't care what that pervert does at night."  
  
"Dammit Asuka! He loves you. Are you that blind?"   
  
Asuka's eye's grew wide and her mouth fell open at the shock of hearing that.  
  
"Asuka, I heard him crying last night. He was calling for you. I could tell that he wants to be with you. I found a note on his bed, I think you should read it." said Misato as she handed over the piece of paper over to Asuka.  
  
Asuka read the following note:   
  
Why? Why is it like this? Why am I alone?   
Asuka. Asuka, I'm sorry. Asuka, why don't you love me?  
I am alone. Who is there for me?  
Asuka doesn't want me here, Why don't I leave?  
This is my gift to you Asuka.   
You will not have hate in your heart, with no one to hate  
You're always beautiful, Asuka, but it saddens me to   
see the hate in you when you're around me.  
~Sayonara, Shinji Ikari  
  
Asuka just fell to the ground. She was staring at the note long after she finished reading. She sat there emotionless and expressionless. There were no tears.  
  
**********  
  
At the hospital, Misato sat next to Shinji's bedside. She gently gave the unconscious pilot a soft kiss on the cheek.  
  
"Oh Shinji. How could someone like that, mean so much to you?"  
  
Asuka sat outside Shinji's hospital room. "What kind of sick person is Shinji? How could he love me?" she wispered to herself. A single tear formed at her eye and fell silently to the hospital's tile floor.  
  
Inside the hospital room, Shinji can still feel the pain of his life haunting his mind as he slowly drifted back to his hellish life in Tokyo-3.  
  
THE END: MAYBE TO BE CONTINUED???? 


	2. Part 2

  
  
  
In the immaculate white of Shinji's hospital room, a golden light blazed in through the window, introducing the morning and chasing away the madness of the night before. The darkness of death had come by the night, summoned by the boy called Ikari; death had failed to bring forth the soul of the troubled boy into the timeless peace of eternity.  
  
And so the young boy's soul remained in its vessel, returning with the light, chasing away the darkness.  
  
  
Crying In The Dark: part 2  
By Trent Retrix (NeoDethMunky@hotmail.com)   
http://1030.8m.com  
  
  
  
Major Misato Katsuragi awoke to a subtle repetitious beep from the active monitors on Shinji's medical equipment. The electronic noise kept the steady rhythm it had during the night, marking the rhythms of life that showed the Third Child was slowly pulling back to life, whether he wanted to or not.  
  
Rubbing her eyes, Misato yawned, waking her senses to the area around her. Sensing the slight cold in the air temperature of the room, she reached to the back of her chair and retrieved her jacket, putting it back on. Still sitting in her chair beside Shinji's bed, Misato leaned over and ran her fingers through Shinji's hair, looking at his serene sleeping face with her sore, tired eyes. Standing up, trying to suppress tears, Misato straightened out her shirt and slowly began to walk toward the door.   
  
After rubbing her eyes once more, Misato looked back at the boy, remembering the words she heard that dismal night. She sniffled; blinking her eyes to again restrain the tears she felt would pour out any minute. Shinji's muffled, despair-filled voice echoed through Misato's mind, tearing at her heart with each word.  
  
"Why?"  
"Why?"  
"Why do you treat me this way?"  
"Why do you do this?"  
"Why can't we be together?"  
"Asuka..."  
  
Misato closed her eyes as she once again berated herself for what she should have done, and what she had failed to do as both Shinji's friend and his guardian. As small tears slowly formed in the corner of her eye, Misato looked back at Shinji's comatose form in the hospital bed.  
  
"Shinji," she whispered, "I should have been there.... I should have tried to help... but I just stood by your door..."  
  
Sobbing noiselessly, Misato turned away from her charge, and left the hospital room to get a cup of coffee, eventually returning to the boy's room to witness no change in his condition.  
  
**********  
  
"Hello, Misato," Dr. Akagi said from the doorframe of Shinji's room, eyeing the raven-haired Major watching over the boy. Caringly, she asked, "how are you holding up?"  
  
"I'm fine," Misato answered, not turning toward the blonde woman, her voice sounding distant, "But what is going to happen to Shinji?"  
  
"We've already replaced the blood he's lost," Ritsuko calmly replied, walking in to stand next to her friend, "so Shinji should be regaining consciousness anytime within the next few days. After that, he's going to be on medical leave from NERV and put it therapy until his mental condition is stable enough to pilot Eva."  
  
Not seeing any response from Misato, who only looked on at the sleeping pilot, Ritsuko decided to explained more about his condition to her friend.  
  
"Shinji has a form of schizophrenia," the doctor began, "and in order to keep his mind from causing detrimental effects in Eva, we've been giving him special drugs to normalize his brain chemistry. But it seems that the stress he's been going through in his personal life has caused a build up of neurotransmitters, which was significant enough to cancel out the effects of our drugs.  
  
"When he wakes up, there is nothing more we can do for him. Any higher dosage of the medication will cause brain damage. He's going to need to work through this on his own... of course, he's going to need your help."  
  
"...it's my fault... I didn't help him..." Misato whispered to herself, still blaming herself for neglect.  
  
"It's not your fault," Ritsuko softly spoke, putting her hand on Misato's shoulder. The two women remained silent, letting the hums and beeps from the room's medical equipment fill the room. Eventually, Dr. Akagi would leave to continue her workload for the day, leaving Misato with Shinji.  
  
As Misato sat silently at his bedside, Shinji's heart monitor began to speed up, and his breathing beginning to increase in pace. As Misato watched wide-eyed in happiness, Shinji began to wake, his eyes fluttering open, and his head turning to see where he was and who was there.  
  
Nearly jumping on him, Misato embraced him with immeasurable joy. Tears of happiness replaced the tears of pain that had trickled down her cheeks.   
  
*************  
  
Around midnight in the Katsuragi residence, Shinji Ikari lied wide-awake in his bed, staring at the ceiling that had become familiar to him. With the moonlight filtering through his window, Shinji looked at the strange forms in the ceiling, being eerily illuminated by the light.  
  
Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata echoed quietly through his room from the earbud of Shinji's SDAT player that had fallen out of his ear. Yet Shinji did not notice the melancholy, angst-ridden melody among his own thoughts of sadness.  
  
Shinji remembered his first words at the hospital, after Misato had let him out of that first heart-felt embrace. He had asked if Asuka had come to see him while he was there...  
  
He remembered Misato's face darken as she leaned in closer and gave him one more, lighter hug. He remembered Misato's voice as she sadly whispered that one word into his ear.  
  
"No."  
  
Hauntingly in his mind, more memories of the day pestered Shinji; he could remember the look of disgust in Asuka's face as he arrived home, and could still feel the sting as she slapped him, only saying one hate-filled word to him.  
  
"Coward."  
  
Prominent in his consciousness, Shinji still could feel his love for Asuka, a love that would never die. It was from part of his soul, a deep part of Shinji that only wanted for Asuka to be happy above all; the same part of him that said it would be better if he was dead. That same part was talking to Shinji telling him now that death was once more his only option. Giggling quietly to himself, the boy rose from his bead and made his way to the kitchen, to retrieve a butcher's knife.  
  
*********  
  
Slowly, the figure entered the room, shrouded in the bleak darkness of the warm Tokyo-3 night. Silently, the boy's bare feet carried him calmly toward the bed, illuminated by the white moonlight pouring through the window. Slowly be walked toward the light, with an instrument of death held by his right hand; the metal of its killing blade glistened in the moonlight, giving it a divine glow.  
  
Gradually, the boy made his way to the bed where a corpse would soon lay. Eventually by its side, the boy crawled methodically onto the bed, bouncing slightly on its springy mass.   
  
The boy put the blade of the weapon to the soft flesh of its target; pushing harshly, he pulled the knife across the bare skin, tearing apart the bonds that let it withhold the life-giving substances beneath it. Blood soon erupted from the rift, covering the skin and pouring down upon the bed, staining its sheets a brownish red. Satisfied, the boy ungracefully threw the knife to the floor and stared down at his cut.   
  
But back at the boy stared the petrified blue-eyed of Asuka Langley Sohryu, eyes whose life slowly faded from behind its beautiful blue color. She reached for her neck, feeling the massive bleeding from the incision in her neck, trying feebly to stop the blood loss from the ruptured arteries and veins. With blood making its way up her throat, Asuka could only say one word before she began to choke and the last spark of life in her fierce form faded from this life.  
  
"... why..."  
  
"Why?" the boy softly responded to the dead girl, "because I loved you so much that I wanted your heart to be free of hatred and pain."  
  
Wiping his hands and clothes with the girl's bed sheets, the boy left the room, leaving his beloved to stare lifelessly at the ceiling.  
  
*********  
  
"Misato..." Shinji quietly said as the slipped past Misato's door, quietly entering her room.  
  
"Shinji?" Misato groggily responded, waking up to see the boy at her door. Quickly, her expression turned to fear. "Is there something wrong?"  
  
"No, Misato," the boy confessed, "I've... I've been having trouble sleeping.... I've just been so sad and miserable the last few days...."  
  
"Come here," Misato urged, her arms open. As Shinji sat down next to her on the bed, he was given a gentle embrace, comforting him. Misato whispered to him, "everything will be alright, Shin-chan... I'm here for you..."  
  
Closing their eyes, the two spent several moments caught in that one comforting moment. In almost a whisper, Shinji asked, "Is it alright if I can sleep here?"  
  
"Of course, " Misato answered, as they both leaned back to the bed, not releasing the embrace long into the night.  
  
  
T H E E N D  
  
Author's note:  
This is the end. There will be no more in this story (mostly because I have no clue on how to possible continue it). This dark fic was written because of many things:  
1) my own constant depression, followed by bouts of violent feelings against myself and others  
2) my eternal hatred for Asuka, stemming from my own experiences as a shy, anti-social boy who fell in love with an arrogant, bitchy, but beautiful girl who treated me like shit.  
3) This second chapter was written because there were some people on FanFiction.net that wanted me to finish it, so I wrote this in like two hours while I was feeling depressed at 1am  
One last thing I think people who read this should know: the first chapter was written on November 11, 2000. This second chapter was written on October 4, 2001. That first chapter was my first-ever fanfiction, and I completely forgot about it until two weeks ago, when I found the file on an old floppy. I don't really care about this story, so I don't really plan on revising it. This is the final draft, placed here because I wanted to share something I had written and I don't really feel like revising it.  
  
~Trent Retrix  
http://1030.8m.com  
  



End file.
